The United Realms of Middle Earth
by The Hobbiters
Summary: This is our story, 'our' meaning me (Lea) and Lola, a twisted, adventurous story, involving love and tragedy. It is set after the company comes back from their expedition to reclaim Erebor from Smaug the Terrible! We added ourselves into the story but we will explain all this when we finish writing the preface. For now, enjoy!


_Set in Bilbo's Hobbit Hole at Bag End, just after they return from the journey to the Lonely Mountain and right after everyone has married._

*Nathrindal, smiles in greeting*

*Aznor, smiles back*

*Kili walks into the kitchen*

*Aznor drags Bilbo into the room by the feet*

*Kili strokes Bilbo's feet*

*Aznor is so freaking jealous*

*Nathrindal is laughing so hard that she dies*

*Kili drops Bilbo and runs to Nathrindal to do the Heimlich maneuver*

*Bilbo gets all red and awkward*

*Aznor creeps closer to Bilbo*

*Bilbo eyes her suspiciously and then he jumps out his kitchen window*

*Aznor follows him and rugby tackles him on the grass*

*Using his hairy and powerful feet Bilbo karate kicks Aznor away and flies into the air*

*Nathrindal and Kili go into the bedroom*

*Kili falls asleep after drinking some warm milk with honey*

*Kili and Nathrindal sleep like old farts together*

*Meanwhile, after reuniting with Aznor, Bilbo skips down to the river to eat some raw rabbits…Aznor notices that's Gollum's favorite food*

*Aznor looks suspiciously at Bilbo and realizes that Bilbo's pipe is in his left pocket, but he usually puts it in the right one since he is right handed*

*Aznor takes the pipe out of his pocket and gets real high*

*Despite the hobbit weed Aznor creeps to Bilbo and tears at his face, with a tug a mask comes off 'Bilbo's' face revealing Gollum *

*Suddenly, in a dramatic twist. Bofur comes along wearing his sexy hat and bats his incredibly long eyelashes at Gollum, disguised as Bilbo*

*Aznor goes to Bofur and frowns at him because she is jealous even though its Gollum and not Bilbo. She tells Bofur to be careful because Gollum is hungry*

*Gollum wiggles his eyebrows, or the skin where his eyebrows used to be, at Bofur and Bofur seduces him with his smile*

*Gollum and Bofur go wandering off towards a mountain, holding hands*

*Then in a tornado the true Bilbo drops out of the sky…with waxed feet!*

*Aznor hugs Bilbo* *Bilbo explains with a sob that Saurunder said he should wax his feet if he wished to see his granddaughter again* *Nathrindal and Kili just woke up and come skipping towards Bilbo and Aznor*

*Kili blows on a horn and out of a giant oak tree the other members of the company come out and of course Gandalf*

*After counting all of the dwarfs over and over again, Aznor realizes that Bofur and Gollum are still missing, she thinks they went into the mountain to the west of the shire*

*Nathrindal calls her nazgul, named Shadowfax, she swings Kili, Aznor and Bilbo on the nazgul too and they fly away on an adventure to find Gollum and Bofur*

*All the other dwarfs stay on the ground, and watch the nazgul darting away* Shadowfax follows the disgusting, stinky trail that Gollum's breath left into a cave*

*When they enter the cave, they see it is full of glittering diamonds and are distracted by its beauty*

*All are watching the diamonds when the start to get conscious of the weird sounds around the cave*

*moan…groan…moan*

*Kili recognizes Bofur's scream in the dark and starts running towards it* *everyone follows*

*The four heroes come across something they would have never thought they would have to see*

*Gollum had tied Bofur against a wall disguised as a dirty maid and he was about to make a cut in Bofur's beloved hat**That's why Bofur screamed*

*They stood, mouths gapping, suddenly Bilbo collapsed in shock, his petit little hand on his forehead*

*Kili, with a heroic jump over Bilbo, runs to Gollum and starts to kick the shit out of him* *Aznor leans over Bilbo and strokes his hair while Nathrindal cheers for Kili*

*Gollum cries in pain but in retaliation he starts eating Kili's leg, Kili pulls back but trips over a rock and falls off a cliff*

*Nathrindal starts screaming like a widow in pain of seeing her beloved husband falling off the cliff* *But smart Gandalf sent the eagles along with the scouting group, and one happened to be curious about what the hell was going on so, by chance, Kili fell on the back of the eagle.*


End file.
